Nicole wrote a great post about Privacy and Adoption Records I want to write about a question I have about the fuzzy privacy issue, and whose issue it is.
So for approximately 3 months, the first three months of my life, I was housed in a mysterious locale. I am not allowed to know where I was because why? That is the part that I am not sure of. I called the agency that I was adopted through and asked if I could have the record of where I was, I didn’t ask for my mother’s name, I didn’t ask for the presumably foster carer’s names, just where was I physically, I mean in what type of situation?
I was told that I was either in one of the homes run by the agency or with foster parents. “What do you mean homes run by the agency? Like a group home” I asked.
“There were homes run by the agency” was the answer, vague.
These conversations are always very upsetting to me. I always feel so guilty. You know I am upsetting this ordered albeit poorly constructed universe. I am questioning.
“On whose authority am I not allowed to know where I was? I mean what code,what statute?” She can’t tell me, she can’t even tell me what Ca. code prevents me from having my records. She gives me another number to call, a number through the state. A bored Social Services worker shares her cutlivated, I could give a shit tone of voice with me. She is clearly irritated that I am wasting her time with my inane questions.
The agency did tell me that if I desired, I could put a letter in my file for my foster carers, although at this point I am wondering how many there were, 16 letters? Did they work in shifts? Did they have other children? Why were they doing this? I have no desire to write a letter,
Dear Foster Mom and Dad and/or loving and dedicated staff of group home:
Thank you ever so for feeding me and keeping me alive. I do have one question, why didn’t I cry?
Was I still crying when I came to you, or had I already given up? Was that something I learned had no effect from you?
Love,
Joy
For that is one thing I do know, according to afamily lore my refusal to cry made them believe there was something wrong with me, like possible retardation.
Supposedly my agrandfather would be found telling me to lay back my ears and wail, because it was well, obviously eerie to be around a child that doesn’t cry.
I don’t have any conscious memories before the age of one year. For some reason I have a really hard time imaging my foster home as a good place to be. ( It think it is that I left there not crying but who knows, maybe I stopped crying in the hospital? Or maybe I was drugged?) I think I do have some memory of infancy, it is just not accessible to me, because I remember my amom telling me when Tomtom was little that I should always lay him on a towel, like she did with me to prevent him from getting things dirty, and I sobbed. I remember being in a perfectly fine mood, her telling me this and having to run out of the room to bawl like a well, baby.
My reaction seems to strong to me to just be a matter of differing parenting styles.
The interesting twist of fate is that I was looking on line at the resume of a well known adoption professional, and during the years of my birth, she is listed as an adoption worker at my agency. So I mean to contact her and ask her not for my case details, of course I don’t expect my file to be in her backseat all these decades later but, she would probably still know what the procedure was for infants in that nebulous time we waited to see if we were too deformed to be adoptable.
I have known this for about 2 months, but every time I start to email her I stop. It is very upsetting to think of myself as an infant, also the possible rebuff which I doubt but is certainly possible.
It is very strange to be told your own life is none of your business. I shouldn’t have to go through this, I am not even sure how this relates to sealed records but the agency assures me it is, I guess because that was pre-adoption, and who did I belong to? The state? The agency? Somebody took me to the doctor because I do know my heart was being monitored, as this continued after my adoption as well.
I feel like I know right well who this is protecting, and they probably need it.
Posted by Margie on December 6, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Hey, Joy, long time no visit!
When I read this I feel my blood pressure rising. This, in particular:
“She can’t tell me, she can’t even tell me what Ca. code prevents me from having my records. ”
makes me want to go break some glass. I wonder how many absolutely illegal adoption practices are in place because agency staff don’t really know the law and can get away with breaking it? Kind of a twist on knowing a lousy law and supporting it. Either way, the truth is screwed.
Actually, I don’t wonder, I know but just can’t prove it.
(((Hugs))) to you!!
Posted by imtina on December 6, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Joy,
Wow, so much in this post.
“My reaction seems too strong to me to just be a matter of differing parenting styles.”
I think you’re right and that it’s worth delving into, painful as it may be. I know that you mention being in Northern California. Have you heard of Amy Jane Cheney? She works with people on these very issues. She’s wonderful. Her website is her name with no spaces .com She’s in San Francisco. I worked with her in the 90’s and it was very healing. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your curiosity and need to know about your first few weeks is totally natural and real, no matter how irritated and bored others are by your request. How wonderful that you’ve figured out who that social worker is. You’ll approach her when all is right for you.
Tina
Posted by justenjoyhim on December 6, 2007 at 4:08 pm
It is very strange to be told your own life is none of your business.
Indeed.
The very thought takes my breath away. Not in a good way either.
I continue to fail to understand why this very simple concept of needing to know one’s origins — not wanting but NEEDING is beyond people who are supposedly intelligent and well-educated.
If the technology were there to erase all remnants of their records, erase any of their parents’ and relatives’ memories of their beginnings, I wonder if they would think differently about it???
Posted by suz on December 6, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Ugh. Thank you may not be an approprite comment but I do thank you. You routinely validate that I am doing the right things. I do know (but she doesnt) who fostered my daughter (although I was told she would never be). I have pictures of her during that time (recently acquired) and if it ever meant anything to her I could introduce her. (Interestingly, the family that fostered my daughter adopted from the same agency. Her adopted daughter found me, I then found her first mom for her, reunited them and during his process we learned that her adopters had fostered my daughter. Freaky shit).
But again, thank you as always for sharing. It makes me a better mother in reunion.
Posted by joyjoy on December 7, 2007 at 8:18 am
Thank you for your caring all of you
Posted by Theresa on December 8, 2007 at 2:17 pm
I just hate this Joy. I had a girlfriend once who for whatever reason had never been adopted, even though she had been taken away from her mother when she was a toddler. She spent her entire life in foster care. When she was in her early 20’s she got her entire case file. No one said boo about ‘protecting’ her from any ugly truths in her records.
It’s only with the magic of adoption that those who were adopted after foster care suddenly are seen as too fragile and/or dangerous to know our truths.
I got really emotional when you wrote about your adoptive mom’s advice and your reaction to it. I remember when my son was a baby getting furious, just irrationally livid, at her advice, no matter how benign. And each and every time too.