Alien Identity

Marley made a really good post about the safe-haven laws recently,

Unfortunately, a lot of the commentary has been lost on bloggers feeling like their friend was unfairly picked on, and the message seems to be buried, or maybe it is not unfortunate as it is hopefully inspiring some deeper thinking around safe haven and what it means. Some of the comments certainly made me think, like the commentor who basically asks what is the big deal about your OBC?

To back up a bit, I understand about wanting to take care of your friends, I do, I am sure I would be stinky mad if I felt my friend was being slighted in some way. I will admit to taking offense, at seeing Marley called an ignorant twit on the SH mom’s blog, although my offense was tempered by the comical nature of the comment, you may be able to say a lot of things about Marley, but ignorant and twit are about as far afield as they get. One of the things that I have never understood about Marley is how she claims to destest the tiny grommets the rest of us adore, children, she works harder than just about anyone I have ever heard of in securing their rights. She is willing to take the hugely unpopular position, and I think well-founded, against Safe-Havens, she opens herself to the scorn of hoi polloi ( I linked, as I read elsewhere the likes of me are often reduced to using big words, and if you follow the link you will see that I dropped the article as misuse, blame my aparents and the educational system they sent me through. kidding.) What is it though she is securing, and why do our OBC’s matter?

I will try to answer these questions, albeit without sufficient research. Shit there I go again, somebody help me.

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Years ago, I made ends meet by working at a wonderfully Steinbeckian cafe (I am unsalvagable, I just made a big word up, forgive, I am serious, I am not making fun) We had a regular, she came in with her girlfriend, the impression that they gave were that they shared a platonic relationship. She was long, she was lanky, about 6 ft., with a large bobbing Adam’s Apple. Something no natural born female has, hence the name. She was quiet, they were quiet together, the place was always swamped, one early afternoon it was a bit slower, they were sitting outside in the garden. I came out to refill their coffee. I filled hers and then her girlfriend’s. By the time I had refilled her girlfriends hers was more than half gone. It startled me. “Wait, I thought I just gave you a refill” I said. She smiled, “you did” “oh” the look of surprise was apparent on my face. She said, “I am an alien” in that mean kind of joking way, not mean to me, but to herself,am as way of explanation. The kind of joke that masks real pain and suffering. It made me pause, I thought of how that must be really true for her. I said softly, “some of the best of us are”
“no, really I am” she reiterated with a nervous laugh. “Well, welcome to eeee-arth” I was cheerful again, poured more coffee and busied myself with the important task of waitressing.

The experience stayed with me, I have always had a soft-spot in my heart for transexuals, although I don’t come into contact with many. More often, esp. through work I come into contact with gay males, and not the kind I grew up with. I grew up in a very gay tolerant environment, although I kind of shudder when I write that, as though being tolerant of what happens between other adults is anything but expected. The reason the adults I come in contact with are different to me than the ones I grew up with, is many of them are transplants who have lost their entire families due to their sexuality, or if they are accepted , the accepting is done with caveats, which grosses me out no end.

Our dear Jesus Christ, speake out about refusing to judge time and again, when will his good sheep hear his call? Good thing I am not a Christian or I could be called on my hypocrisy.

Okay, so I feel deeply for these transplants, who had to leave everything behind, I feel even more so for transexuals that are even less understood, who don’t have giant ghettos like the Castro, who give up virtually everything, and feel compelled to, to claim what they feel is there true identity.

Who are sometimes shot and killed for claiming their identity. 1 every 3 months.

Wowie, and still something so strongly in them compels them to do what they must. Personally I never felt so attached to my sexuality, I am female, and am cool with that, but could easily imagine myself being male, it is something I take for granted, I like being a girl, so I really have no idea what it is like to risk life and limb to risk what some feel they must do to claim their identity.

Easy for me to say because it is a non-issue for me. I have respect for those that travel that rough road.

Some people are willing to lose their families and risk their lives to claim their identity, so what is identity?

What is it that we adoptees are always whining about?

We all have multiple identities, our sex, our race, our family, our ancestry, our class, our occupation, our friendships, ad nauseum.

For example my femaleness, I have never not been female. It is as natural to me as breathing, everything I have ever seen, I have seen through female eyes, and despite being a feminist, I believe this hard-wires some of my perceptions, I am more verbal than my male offspring, I prattle on, I gossip, I cry easily, I giggle way too much. I am viewed as a female by my society, I am drawn to other females in friendship, I have a slight fear of most males and try not to get too drawn in even in my friendships with them, I catch myself if they or I am standing to close, if I notice myself stretching provacatively in front of them, I catch myself, I am embarrassed. I am more modest. I might run up to a girlfriend and hug or kiss her, stand closely or touch her hand when she is telling me something tender. I don’t do these things with the same enthusiasm with males, but reserve that for my lover.

This scenario is played out a million different ways in all of our days. We don’t even notice.

What if though, some aspect fundamental to who you were was just taken away. Hidden from you, like say your gender?

You wake up and don’t know if you are male or female, you know there are both and wonder which you are, but no one will tell you. Instead they tell you, we like you they way you are. “Which way is that?” you might ask quizically. “Never you mind” is the answer, “don’t go stirring up trouble”

“I don’t want to stir up trouble, I just want to know what I am” you might be ballsy enough to answer. Heavy sighs all around. “Look, lots of people have gender confusion, but that doesn’t stop them from being happy hairdressers”

“I have no talent for dressing hair” you might answer.

“Well obviously, you are self-centered, histrionic, ungrateful, here, here are some hedge-clippers go dress some hair”

“Look these tools are all wrong that you have given me, I don’t even believe hair needs dresses”

So you are at an impasse, with no proper tools, no real understanding and told to move forward.

The loss of identity, being told you don’t even have a right to your identity, that you should be glad to have a body at all, after all by rights you should have been aborted, so be grateful for the body without identity, just as you would be grateful for a body without a spirit or soul is so unquantifiable. It is also so very real.

The quest for identity is so base, so compelling that people risk their lives for it.

I do have sympathy for women who find themselves pregnant in difficult situations, I do, I have found myself pregnant in difficult situations. Marley is right however, common sense dictates that, women who will kill their babies, will kill their babies irrespective of safe haven laws. Safe Haven laws are employed by women who have something frightening and scary they would like to avoid.

I understand pregnancy is indifferent to circumstance. At the same time, what safe havens allow, the loss of which for the abandoned child so great, that the mother’s discomfort does not outweigh the infant’s need for an integral part of self. There are laws in place to protect women who fear violence committed against themselves or their children, those should be employed.

It is unfortunate that not all children are loved and wanted, it is unfortunate that all mothers who do not want or love their children carry them to term instead of terminating the pregnancy, it is unfortunate that women who love and care for their children often feel unable to care for them or complete their pregnancy.

That being said, as a civilized society, I do not believe we can condone anonymously dumping children. (for the record, not talking about the California mom in an open adoption who used safe-haven, while she used it initially she obviously has circumvented the anonymous part) but others won’t or haven’t.

God I am sick of telling people things they are too lazy to know.

All Together Now, “It’s for the Kids, Man!”