So Does This Mean You Are OUT? Issy asks

She said that because she knows I hide my adoption.

I am ashamed of it.

I was with a bunch of adoptees talking about adoption and that was hard, and interesting. It was good for me. I sat there in restaurants with adoption popping like popcorn, I would watch the waitstaff, no one seemed to care. I let that experience wash over me.

I practiced. I spoke to strangers about adoption, about how I have a face that a mother couldn’t even love, because my mother gave me up. That is how adoption makes me feel.

Which isn’t fair to my mom, my mom deserves kudos.

It isn’t her fault.

It doesn’t change what adoption did to me.

After all the inspiration of being with the others, on the way back to the airport with Dory, when we were asked why we had been in New Orleans, I told him.

He knew us from the T.V. news. He didn’t stop the cab or make us get out and I was with Dory, so I felt safer. I got to the airport. I was worried as hurricane Dolly was coming in, I mentioned this to a woman waiting with me for our boarding. We struck up a friendly conversation. She asked me why I had been in N.O. and I told her. I was by myself, that was huge to me. I don’t do stuff like that. I was practicing.

I am making progress.

But no, I am not out.

I want to get together with the ever growing local cabal of Bay Area adoptees and visit our legislator, I think if I was with them I would feel strong enough.

I am growing.

In more news, I am out, not telling the people in my life why I really went to N.O., but I am outraged, out of my mind with obsession, out of my mind with hurt.

I came home so high from the protest, to see BN bashing us.

I am not coping well.

People I believed in, people I WORSHIPPED. I mean seriously worshipped.

I know it is pathetic.

This is the third time this has happened to me, I am a cagey individual. Really. When I was in my early superfeminist phase, I got burned by the people supposedly on our side, and I was all about 3rd wave feminism, I was in WAC, I was in the press, I was in senator’s limousines. I was betrayed.

I graduated from art school, and I felt betrayed again, what I thought was a pilgrimage turned into a fashion show. I called my mom like I always do when I am hurting. My mom gives me a lot of wisdom, not always comfort. “Good” she said in response to my cry that I was so disillusioned, “Now you can move beyond your illusions” Not exactly what I was looking for, but true nonetheless.

IRL I am known for my highly developed bullshit detector, it apparently fails sometimes.

Moving past more illusions.

I loved BN.

Loved them.

I grew up around celebreties, have hobnobbed with lots of very important people, have appeared in Town and Country, srsly. I know famous musicians and scientists, srsly. They made little impression upon me, seeing people drunk helps make them seem not so sexily glamorous. I have held and played a Stradivarius, true story. Okay, I couldn’t play it worth shit, BUT I have laid on the floor laughing hysterically while I listened to people I knew on NPR.

None of this meant anything to me but a passing fancy.

You know who meant a lot to me?

Bastard Nation.

I believed in them, I believed in Marley, I worshipped her and looked up to her.

She was doing something I could believe in.

She cared about ME. Not me personally, but ME in the not-cared about bastard. She was like Ani DiFranco, fighting the good fight. She meant more to me than Nobel Prize winners. She was the bomb, man.

She was.

I defended her, when she came out with her crazy talk. With her , “Procreation prolongs the wheel of misery” sayings.

You have to know this, I am such a loser, that I believed down to the tippy parts of my little toes.

I BELIEVED.

Until, I came home from the protest and saw her shit all over it, via convenietly her BFF Baby Love Child, who asked me if I ever had a friend as a defense, as if.

As if I lack friends?

They attacked us for mounting a protest. Srsly. They told us how act in N.O. oh yeah, because they were not there, I mean WTF?

I know I am perservating, I know I am OUT of control, I know I have been just recently, when I was so outraged about a mom being so flip about abandoning her daughter.

Okay, I can understand moms who give up their kids being in denial of what they do to their kids.

Fine.

But this was an attack from “one of us” adoptees attacking adoptees.

Going to the gym didn’t work, I haven’t been able to run this off.

We are owed an apology. Not a shit storm.

So yes, I am out there now, full of anger.

I think you should be too.

We deserve a huge apology.