Blanche de Bois, natch.

That is the second thing we have in common, the first is that Dory and I like to entertain at the Tarantula Arms in N.O.

Seriously though, could any saying be more true for the adoptee?

Barf.

Yesterday, I had a get together with a mentor of sorts, a man who helps me help myself, ha hahahahhahaha, with biznezz.

So after settling in with chit chat, which I loathe chit chat.

He starts asking me pointed questions about how everything is going. Which is so valuable as it forces me to articulate and clarify. He tells me he can’t believe the amount of irons I have in the fire and I really need to prioritze and slow down.

I sit back and feel fear start to fill my body. I half expected him to lean forward and ask me if I thought I might be manic. I also felt afraid when I realized I had only been talking about WORK, and not the ridiculous amount of other things I do.

There is a tremendous price paid for growing up around people who don’t understand you, it causes them to pathologize you, I am used to that. It is only in the out there grown up world that I can escape it.

I relaxed when no such accusations of my stability came forth. “Yeah, I have only been sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night, and then after a few nights I will sleep 12″ I confess.

“Not Good” he states the obvious.

He goes on to draw an circle around the name of someone who works for me. “She is a liability, you have to do something about her.” He looks very serious.

“I have, I actually have” I inform him.

He doesn’t seem convinced.

It is a complicated relationship, and not strictly business. This person who fails to work for me. This is where my telling the truth thing comes in handy. I did have a talk with her and told her I had no work for her because she was unreliable, and well, she yells at me frequently. I was very calm when I told her, there was no charge. I didn’t want to tell her, but you know, you can’t just ignore something like that.

He is still not convinced, even though I just told him!

“Look, you are a very warm, nurturing person, I think that is great, I love that about you, but this is your livelihood, think about that, what you want to achieve for yourself and Tomtom” He knows a lot of the backstory. “It is great to want to care for people, but you need to not take care of people like that in the work environment”

Which makes me want to half bust-a-gut laughing if he knew what some people said about me on these internets, it is not that I am too nice. The funny thing is, I don’t feel like I am a different person in real space vs. cyber. I say things out in the real world too, not about adoption but plenty. I do say what I think most of the time.

How weird is that? I do have one client who is very Christian, who talks to me about her faith a lot, who would love to convert me if I wasn’t so incontrovertible. Other times, she will harshly talk smack on others, and I always deadpan to her, “Not very Christian of you” I look right at her and speak clearly. She ignores me, or smirks, but she also thinks I am really kind. She really likes me. I guess it is delivery. You can only decipher so much with emoticons. I mean in the context of our whole relationship, my snarkiness is small. She is not bad at giving as good as she gets herself.

People are complicated.

As we end the meeting he tells me he is proud of me, very excited for me at this point in my life and congratulates me. He doesn’t stop there, he says, and I am not just congratulating you for now, for all the other stuff, with Tomtom, what you were able to manage with him, that is something, that is really something.

I shrug. “I did what anyone would do” in reference to him seeming to want to give me a medal for going to school with a child.

“No, not anyone, what some would do, what some would not, give yourself some credit.” I am flabbergasted by his kindness, I mean it is not the first time I have witnessed him being so generous, and wonder why he is. There is no personal gain on his part, except for the wonderful feeling of being able to help someone else, I know that feeling, and wonder if some day I might be able to do what he does, help others see their value.

I walk away bouyant, I feel so blessed to have someone take the time to encourage me.

Then R. called me this morning, as long time readers will remember she is one of my oldest IRL friends. She is not adopted, but take away the adoption aspect and we have striking similarities in our families. She has always gotten it, or responding with profound empathy and understanding to my plight. I remember the first time I confessed my adoptee status to her, I think it was around 1992, we were sitting in A & W, Tomtom was still a baby. I took a deep breath and told her the whole story as I had been told.

She didn’t say much but she said, “My God, that is just what you and Cara DID do!” after that, she never forgot it, she didn’t bring it up, we commiserated our mother’s mutual new age type reasoning that the things we suffered we chose. Her life was not easy. Not a bit, in fact her step-father did jail time, ‘nuf said. She never told me she wished she was adopted, she never placated, dismissed or patronized.

She was the one who told me not to expect to get over, but to try instead to build ramps and work arounds to the best I can be. She compared it to a handicap, emotional, but something I needed to acknowledge and learn to live with, when she was like 21 or something. I posted about that before.

I complain to her about being ostracized in my own feminity on the phone this morning. “I am not girly enough for the girly-girls, but I am not a real tom-boy either” She laughs, “Well, yeah, why do you think we have our OWN COUNTRY?” Which is a joke going on 15 years old. I ask her about the economic climate in NYC, she corrects me, “oh you mean Detroit on the Hudson?” I loathe getting off the phone with her, work calls you know, but she will be in town at my house early in Dec. YAY! She makes me feel incredibly valued and cared for. I don’t feel there is a separation of adoption between us, which is something I feel with many who aren’t adopted, even some who are.

Then today, at work, well I am almost always at work, I was talking to a client about moving some of her work to someone else, to someone less expensive, because I think it would be in her best interest.

“I want someone like you though! I want someone really smart who can see the big picture and the small picture!” She also really values me.

I feel almost guilty for being surrounded by such wonderful people, who take the time out to see and value me everyday of my life. It is especially poignant in relation to my family(s) who could not see value in me. I know in all the cases it is a direct reflection of the people involved, that it really has nothing to do with me in either case.

I was scapegoated in all of my families, I represented things they didn’t want to look at, feelings they didn’t want to feel, so the brunt of the hurt was off-loaded onto my shoulders. Which is an all too common adoptee story. The relinquishment, as horrifying as it is, is often just the beginning. It is too painful to look at what is done to us, and much easier to blame/ignore/deny us.

Ah well, life is not fair is it?

I feel extraordinarily lucky to be able to receive the love/value that others offer me. Too often people can’t see past the point of view of their families. They can’t shrug it off, and I can’t always either, but they become fists, which I think MLK said you can’t receive a gift with a closed fist.

Often they can’t see anything beyond the rejection and recreate it.

In that respect, I feel incredibly blessed.