The Other Half of the Visit: Fools Rush in Where Angels Fear to Tread

I have always identified with the fool and the rushing in that expression.

We did a lot of things with our company, so it is not just like we had this one conversation about my personal adoption. After the initial explanation about our current situation and the difficulties it is fraught with my company decided to help me out by educating me about the bright side of my adoption.

It is so interesting when you talk about adoption. There was so much that I didn’t say that they seemed to have perceived me as saying. I see this on line all the time. For a lot of people if you say anything except exaggerated gratitude and strange platitudes the implication is that you are saying you wish your adoption never happened, that it was a total wash and you don’t appreciate anything about your life.

Naturally since they care about me, they didn’t want me to see my life as a wasteland so they decided to school me. Again these people have known me pretty much my whole life. They knew me when I met my mother and I told them about it. I believe they met and liked my father. I know there was at least one Christmas where they took me to my father’s house for a visit.

Their first tract was telling me to be thankful for my son who would have never been born if I wasn’t adopted. “You don’t know that” I responded. Sweetheart reiterated what I said, “You don’t know that”

This went on for just a brief while. I got the abortion argument thrown in for good measure, then I was asked if I could not see ‘anything’ good coming from my adoption.

My brow furrowed, sometimes my body busts out with comments that bypass my mind, and sometimes I am glad for my body’s wisdom. My mind started to say, ‘ you are putting words in my mouth, I never said that.’ Suddenly, I heard my mouth fairly calmly declare, “fuck-you, I am not sitting here listening to this shit anymore.” I got up and went outside to have a cigarette and cool my jets.

Which I did, it didn’t take long.

I rejoined the party. We were having a glad and gay time, the woman though, she is an inquisitive curious one that sometimes doesn’t know when to quit. What can I say, ya gotta have sympathy for a sister in that way. She starts to let me know that other people have problems too. Which doesn’t get to me, despite the fact that I have never exhibited any behavior that suggests otherwise. Despite the fact that I have been very supportive to her through some real tragedies of her own, the loss of a child, the loss of a brother to addiction.

Did she think I didn’t take her sorrow seriously? I don’t push it because I recognize the line of thinking. If you have any difficulty with adoption, you believe you are the only person who has ever had any difficulty in life. This is a common and bizarre theme. “You know bio families have problems too” Yes, we know that. How could adoptees not know that? If our bio familes hadn’t had difficulties we wouldn’t be adopted for feck’s sake Seamus! (my favorite Stewie expression).

That doesn’t discount the very peculiar difficulties of being adopted. Is there any other situation where people feel compelled to say such absurdities?

If someone tells you their wife left them for the pool-boy, do you say, “Pool-boys have their problems too?” or “That sucks, I’m sorry, if you want to talk about it I’ve got an ear?” I mean honestly.

I indulge her I talk a bit about sealed records, reform, etc. Then she confronts me with, “Well if you feel this strongly about these things, why don’t you DO something about it instead of ‘wallow’ in it”

This time my head is spinning and my mouth starts to sputter. The beginnings of sentences come out, ‘run a forum, organize a national protest, found a…” but then my body and my mind cut me off. Since it worked so well the first time, I repeat, “Again, I am not going to sit here and listen to this shit, you don’t know what I do, you forgot to ask” and spin up and out of my chair.

My sweetheart says cooly, “You have no idea what she has been through” Which shocks me. My sweetheart reminds me a lot of John Stewart only funnier, quicker, and a bit more subtle. Granted he is not on T.V. and maybe that is why John Stewart delivers on the heavy side.

This time he isn’t like that though. He doesn’t joke to diffuse the situation. He hates talking about adoption and most of our discussion around it comes in the form of him sighing “great” when an obvious trigger is delivered to me, or even goading me by saying the thinks this video is “cute”

He got Tomtom to go along with him…:P

But when it really mattered to me, although I would have been okay without his support. He who hates the drama of adoption was there calmly, completely supportive of my downright surliness. I have never talked to these people like that before in my life either. I am too adroit and cagey in real life to come off with such a lack of argument, a lack of caring whether or not they understood my side.

I have done it on line to be sure. I have had people want to argue their point on my blog APs and NMs, with the purpose of denying my experience or having me perform gymnastic feats to get them to maybe consider my point of view and I have said, “bug-off, I don’t have to have your approval, you don’t have to approve of me or like or understand me. This blog isn’t for you, wanker”

I haven’t done it in real life, well granted I don’t talk about it much in real life. Still I have never done that. My mind told me I wasn’t polite, there was a better way to handle it, I could have been more sensitive.

My body said, “no way, that felt good goddammit, that felt excellent. I will not be a party to degrading my experience or toadying up to them just because I love them.”

They needed to step-off and I made that as clear as possible. I am not going to console them or bouy them up regarding my adoption shit. They had better learn to respect it if they want to talk to me about it.

Part of what got my back up, is this woman has known my me for nearly the entirety of my life. When have I ever sat and wallowed? My personality has always leaned toward action. I was the kind of kid that jumped in the swimming pool first, I was a teen mom and finished college to get three ridiculous degrees, for the most part on my own, have been involved in a lot of political action, organizations, volunteer work, creative projects including literally building a freakin’ school and now she is suggesting I am just a lay about crying about my birth certificate.

I know others have done more, but scratch your average adoptee and I am no slouch in the “up with adoptees” movement.

Most of all, even though I could certainly work on my delivery, it made me feel free and secure in myself that I didn’t need to justify or apologize for my experience to them. The only way I can describe it is the ability to stand strongly on my own two feet for myself. I wasn’t going to be knocked over or cowed. Even if that meant being impolite.

It can’t have been to hard on them, I got an enthusiastic thank you card for a fabulous time, fabulous was underlined twice. They are teh awesome.

My sweetheart’s unblushing support was just an added bonus.

It made me think for the millionth time, I don’t give him enough credit.