Validated Like a Parking Garage Ticket

I have to get my parking tickets punched with their purple numbers and letters all the time. It is kind of a pain in the neck but when that black and white striped bar lifts and you get out for free, it always gives me a bit of a thrill.

I know, I am easy to pleasy.

It doesn’t always work though, the other night after going to the market I ended up in a frustration that cost me $5.00 to go to my grocery store for about 5 minutes. It was more expensive than those sex lines that are advertised on T.V. Grrrr.

About an hour later, I was talking to some adoptees on line regarding fogged-up adoptees. How they can be annoying and you know they don’t annoy me. Really, not in the least I am not swayed, impressed, concerned with them. There is nothing, no influence they can have over me.

Without thinking about it, I said, that I have no opinion about them, they don’t annoy me because no one can threaten my experience again, I am too validated. No one was talking about being threatened by them, and later I thought maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I realized I went there so quickly because I used to be threatened by them.

I mean most adoptees like myself are basically gaslighted their whole lives. We are told we are nuts, ahem *deluded* we must be defective for feeling the way we do ad nauseum. Hairdresser’s cousins come pouring out of the woodwork wielding hot curling irons and fake smiles, like a Greek Chorus singing “we love being given away and adopted we just wish it would happen more often.”

I can no longer be intimidated by these happy adopted cousins, they have lost their sparkle for me. I am neither threatened or even mildly interested. I don’t feel pity or annoyance. I just feel my attention being pulled elsewhere.

Having this blog has changed me in ways, I never thought possible. Talking to other adoptees, even though we are all different has been invaluable. A friend recently commented to me that she had seen a huge change in me the last couple of years. A friend that doesn’t even know I am adopted.

“You used to get really torn up when you talked about your mother, you used to be a lot more vulnerable” It made me squirm a bit. I didn’t say that I am free of soft-spots or flaws, am not. Still progress is relief.

I was talking to someone close to me recently and she started to tell me what sounded to my ears like a big fib. It was being told in response to something I said. Kind of a defensive “me too” including others. I didn’t buy it. It sounded completely implausible.

She later admitted she was inventing. I thought about it, I am of the belief that usually people who lie have a reason to lie, people warming themselves with denial are protecting themselves from what they simply can’t face.

I don’t have to deal with that, I don’t have to fool myself.

I am not perfect, have more than my share of flaws, but I don’t have to pretend about this.

She admitted that she struggles with self-esteem issues, and made the comment that everyone does.

“No, not everyone does, lots of people don’t. I don’t.”

Which I can only hope opened a door for her. As much as I have struggled with adoption there was always a core of self-esteem and self-respect that seemed to just come with my body.

I think I just inherited it from my father who is fond of exclaiming “My name is Joy’s Dad, and nobody fucks with me, man”

While I find his self-expression juvenile, I understand the sentiment. It crashes out of me like a wave at times. It can make other people very uncomfortable because its true not everyone feels strong enough.

I can’t help those people though, and there is no denying that the bar has been raised for me and I am free to go.