2011 was more kind to me than brutal although there were some spectacularly bitter days and nights. Losing Gina, now the song, “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” came on the radio, it is forever tied to her, it is funny whenever I lose someone a song that I would never think of being tied to their death becomes tied, well not always, some are obvious. S. and J. and every other suicide I have known are tied to Just Like Anyone. but Halah, is M.s alone, I have known waaaaay too many suicides. M. was esp. tough as I had thought I had saved her, silly me. Sometimes you lose.
Oh oops, maudlin musings, I also had friends who really suffered this year which is its own weirdness because you really want to be there for them, but you can only do so on such a limited basis as we all have to lay our heads on our pillows alone every night.
2011 was also very good to me, I made wonderful new friends, it brought a lot of opportunity to my door. I got to be a part of several fantastic projects not least of which was the adoptee rights demonstration, and lobbying and seeing some progress. The others are work-related and personal.
But I am a crazy lover of New Years resolutions so out with 11 and in with 12! My favorite thing about this years resolutions is for the first time in about four or five years, getting more exercise and improving my eating habits are not on the list. Thank God, I got over that. It was always so important to me, and then it wasn’t and then Tomtom staged an intervention by v. gently pointing out, “Mom this is so not you” and well I have recovered.
Which frees up my energy for others, and I do resolve the following things:
1. To make my own corset
This one is weird because I don’t really want and have never wanted a corset. I got into a conversation though earlier this year and it involved corsets and because God invented Google the next thing I knew I had at my disposal 18th century corset patterns and I was smitten. More with the sewing challenge than the actual product. I have seriously always wanted to bone something, and I know that sounds really pervy, but I am not being a pervert, I am talking about learning about materials. HD once called me a pervert because I put chocolate shavings in a green salad. He was so wrong, chocolate shavings, sea-salt and strawberries on a green leafy bed with ho-made limey dressing is actually awesome. Like my corset will be.
Weirdly one of my dearest friends is also making a corset for a completely different reason, she said I should try a mock-up first out of muslin, which is an excellent idea, but Ima not going to do it on account of that would satisfy my desire as challenge met, I am going to do other things with related activities to prep myself. The patience is the biggie.
2.Live More Frugally
Out of a sense of ethics, I already shop mostly locally, I refuse Costco they are the destroyer of communities, but to do more myself. To have a victory garden from seed. I have had lots of victory gardens in the past before I started my business and had more time, but I generally bought starters. This year, the seeds otherwise it is more expensive than groceries. To reuse and re-purpose more. Also to volunteer at the local urban farm.
3. To Get More Active in Local Politics
I know lots of ways to do this, have connections in that way but have just been lazy and involved in strictly adoption politics
4. To Follow up with leads in Adoption Politics
Some things are available to me now that weren’t before, in large part due to the Adoptee Rights Coalitions efforts, but there are still more ways to work this. To get more support from locals about this
5. Not Buy Coffee Anymore
Which so far has been the hardest. I am drinking tea which is okay but is not coffee. I miss the coffee.
6. To Sleep More
I have always had a hard time sleeping, I am afraid to go to sleep. And then the Devil invented the internet which as the compulsive reader I am makes reading everything imminently more possible. I do not get enough sleep, I need sleep but there are so many project possibilities, so much history and science to read about, so much music to listen to and then I have to work on top of that? Crazy!
7. To Be More Aggressive Professionally
I always have this one, while I am pretty aggressive professionally, I could do a lot more
8. To have a new business
I think I always say this one too, but this year dammit, I will do it.
9. To have more faith and less anxiety
Again, with the perpetual resolution. I have been making inches of progress with this but not enough. It still plagues me, see sleep, see number 6.
10. I don’t have a ten, which in itself is a good thing, I feel fit, I feel organized, I feel like my life despite some major reasons to believe as I said as I kissed SH under the fireworks of the New Year, “We have no reason to believe this will be a good year for us but I love you so much, I am still happy” We don’t. Despite all the goodness we have a specter lying over our heads that is mighty unpleasant and frightening.
Not so frightening that it isn’t average or normal or to be expected, it is just as so many people are wont to inform me as though I am not living on earth, that there are problems outside of adoption, yes indeedy there are. I have no memory of not knowing that, but thanks for the lesson Gidget.
I think that is why I like that song so much that I tie to Gina, about “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” that song is so bubbly and disco, that you can’t help but dance to it when you hear it, despite whatever else is going on. That is what we do on earth right? We suffer, we cry,we laugh and we dance anyway. We fuck up and we get up and try again every day. It is kind of beautiful. It reminds me of Gina, it makes me ache and feel guilty esp. since she so overtly expressed her jealousy of me and Cara and pretty much anyone else that she thought was having an easier ride. I think Cara and I did, and while I feel guilty, I feel grateful to be here, to have another chance, to be able to try again. A new year.
A New Year to walk around with this particular flesh clinging to these particular bones, trying to figure out why my impulses lead me where they lead me, why my mouth spouts off like it does, a new year to be beautiful and gruesome, wise and idiotic, kind and cruel, creative and destructive. You know all the coins and all their sides, while the warm bodies around me do the same. Another year to step into the gap, to change, to look forward and sigh with sentiment.
Because we keep on getting up and trying again and dancing through our lives, which makes me want to leave you with this look back, one of my fav. songs from high school, from my mother’s era, although I introduced her to him, it reminds me of H. and dancing in my first apartment and being free and silly and girly, the things I most love to be, while still recognizing the realness of the melancholy.
“Why do I need t.v. when I have T.Rex?” David Bowie, only parallels to V.U. in influence
“To the sound of old T.Rex…” The Who.
I hope we get a chance to go out dancing again this year! We were the best dancers in that club, we couldn’t help it really because it is a reflection of our awesomeness.
xoxo
We always get a chance to go dancing!
xoxoxooxo
Wow, this is almost exactly the same as my list! Especially the Live frugally (I added “& fashionably!”, my fashion challenge for 2012 – buy nothing new and attempt to NOT shop at any big box stores, only locally-owned. It has to be “new to me” meaning thrift shopping (except undies, etc…those will be NEW! haha) and the start a company and a garden in the spring. We can DO this! I’m rooting for us both!
xx Two
Oh, but you can make your own undies out of old t-shirts. They come out really cute, I made some this year, I mixed and matched for the lining and ironed on silly appliques, it is fun. http://www.craftstylish.com/item/47762/how-to-make-your-own-underwear
Yes, I should have added that to live frugally and even more beautifully, luckily I have a great and enormous thrift store really close to me. Yay us!
Oh, you are one crafty soul! Holy moly…those are too cute!! Unfortunately, I am just learning to use my new sewing machine & it still scares the hell outta me. I’m still in “basic” stitching mode, but maybe as I practice more, I can give those a whirl…super cute. Let the good “thrifting” times begin!