I was telling my dear friend recently how I was going to be all more faith less anxiety. She listened patiently and then the other day brought it up again and wondered aloud when I had become so evangelical and if I had a flock, and wtf is wrong with me? Oh I have always been a bleeding-heart-do-gooder, just ask Bob.

Megan asked me a v. good question: So what is up with the blog about Campbell if you don’t care about her? (paraphrasing)

You know Megan that is a very good question and I asked that of myself. I am glad you brought it up as I have already done an auto-interview a la Nina Hagen and well don’t feel at liberty to repeat, I do try to be entertaining as well as sincere.

Before I answer I would just like to clarify why I am so glad you brought that up. I see that as a great kindness. By asking me to question it, you are asking me, in my estimation to clarify for my own self why I do what I do and to check myself to see if I a really on the path I believe in. So I take it as you helping me stay within my own integrity, which is very valuable to me.

Yes, there is some hypocrisy in me saying, “Oh I don’t care” and yet at the same time taking the time to blog about it. I don’t know about your blog, but I am guessing it is somewhat like mine where you tend to get a lot of comments for publication but also emails from people in private who have thoughts that they would rather not be shared. That was true for me in this last case with the exception of Mirah Riben who wrote an articulate post reminding me that I can turn the other cheek and focus my energy on the industry and remember how much words on the internet can hurt. Like your comment I see that as a kind thing to do.

One other point that I failed to make before in re: why I think Campbell’s blog was about me is she specifically mentioned how some people can even mention that they are at times “assholes” which unless I am mistaken I am the only one in adopto-land who uses that phrase about herself. It is true, I can be an asshole, I don’t think that makes me special or excuses my behavior but I am trying to recognize my own flaws. I have seen you try to recognize your own flaws too and really respect that about you because it is a non-fun activity. If I don’t recognize my assholery I cannot begin to try to improve you know? And most will fight to the death rather than admit they were wrong. Which admitting you were wrong can be such a generous and wonderful thing, oh God prattling on.

So I was responding to the people that were all MAC is over on Campbell’s blog and they are all talking about you, which I understand Campbell is protective of her friends, I am too, and MAC is really sorry.

I do believe she is really sorry for the hateful things she has said towards adoptees. I do. I believe she is sorry she was taken to task. Because as brash as I am I know from my own life how many mistakes a person can make. So that is why I tend to let and watch and read before I bust out all pit-bull. MAC did this thing to me which she is still not sorry about. She was mocking the trauma that some adoptees go through, which I am not going to say all, but I did.

I went through immense trauma and have been successful in dealing with a lot but not all of it. I mean I live through life and death situations, every single day of my life about 40 times. I mean they are all in my head of course, but that head was so connected to the heart of my mother. My mother who is a very loving person, so I am not blaming her, it is just she was taken from me and it left a huge mark.

Why Idk? Was it because my mother loved me so much when I was in her belly? Was it because I am so sensitive? Idk. Does it happen to all babies? All babies that I personally know.

Life or death situation this last weekend. I am lying in bed, I feel a strong coldness against my right shoulder, I imagine I have lung-cancer and this is what it must feel like. I start to regret a lot of the things I have done in my life and then check oh the blanket fell off my shoulder and of course I have a fan on because that helps with PTSD. Okay lame-o but that is my lame-o life and I am working very hard on to how to heal that.

Okay back to the MAC-ATTACK, she did this thing, very similar to what Jess did which is invite me to visit my deepest difficulty in life, losing my mother and identity and explain that to them. As you probably know, this is not an experience that gets a lot of support, it is tender and you can combat feelings of being a Judas to your adoptive family while you try to find yourself. It makes you vulnerable. It hurts, at least me, like you wouldn’t believe unless you have lived it, it makes me conflicted, it makes me cry, it makes me question my value and worth as a human being.

But because I am such a caring person and I do care so much about adoptees and little children and all that is cute or not cute and deformed but all creatures who need love and lack power, I answered. I dug down into the deep mushy and roasted garlic bits of my heart and answered as honestly and articulately as I could, which to toot my own horn is pretty formidable. I was met with ridicule. I was teased out to be tossed-out. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Yes Ma’am. I wasn’t so vociferous at the time, I explained my position but was met with more ridicule, more dismissiveness.

Oh yeah, bitches can’t hear me then, bitches get all up in my grill about how right they are and how little my feelings matter even though bitches, I lived it. You did too Megan, and you are so different than me, which is normal. Which is to be expected, but you have the right to feel the way you do, just as I do. I told them the incredible cost that this exacted on my psyche, I told them nice and polite. Which as I have humbly and humiliatingly said on this blog so many times the only reason I am alive today is because I love Tomtom more than I hate my pain. It was that real for me, if it wasn’t for others, like I said when I got out of the hospital and everyone was hating on me and telling me “How could you do that?” in re: trying to off myself, “Consider yourself lucky then and fuck-off”

These women knew all that about me. That Tomtom has a mother because I climbed up that mountain on my fingernails. They knew why and called me a hysteric. MAC knows that her teasing of my biggest pain hurt me too I told her but she was all whatevs lets steam roll you for fun, as did Jess.

Hmmm, off point am I? Surprise.

No I don’t particularly care about Campbell, I have done so much for adoptees and their well-being, I really have, I have tried so hard to create a space for adptees where they can feel their own legitimate feelings whatever they are, and man that is challenging because they are not used to that in a general way, most of them aren’t even used to being accepted and that per se is a trigger for them. I have dealt with so many effed-up and legitimately hurt adoptees. Trying my damnedest to make them see their own beauty.

Idk, if you read my post about my drug-addled days, but even when I was a total criminal, my biggest motivation was to nurture. I put myself in harms way to avoid others getting hurt. I will not bore you but there is illustration after illustration from my life where I put myself at risk to help the vulnerable. One of the ways I do that is with language. I have a facility with language which is both a blessing and a curse. So yeah, MAC is sorry now, but why? Because she hurt people or she got bitch-slapped? I don’t believe she is sorry because she hurt people because when we were on friendly terms it didn’t slow her down a New York minute to know she hurt me, the same with Jess. I told her kindly, politely, “You are hurting me” perhaps you know that feeling from your own life, I would guess yes.

So to make a short story long, it is the argument more than Campbell per se that I understand to be going on over there, about how I am a mean-girl and they are nice ladies who all they want to do is peel away the hearts of vulnerable and what is wrong with that when it is the status-quo? As I said, I was alerted to Campbell’s initial post, I refuse to read the comments that she has posted on my blog after her display of disregard for her peers on our forum, not because she is too tedious but because I have already expended so much energy on really trying to help adoptees. My God, I get tired and I am not going to fuss with someone who is trying to hump my leg, who doesn’t really give a shit or can even imagine what it is like to absorb some of the pain that she may have been spared but is very real for others.

I do.

I have absorbed a fuck of a lot as a matter of fact.

And no, we are not all alike, I have held the hands, hearts, and heads of many who have issues I just don’t have.

When I was in college we took the Meyers-Briggs in psychology, my type said, ‘This is the kindest of all types with no near competitors’ which most of the people who know me in real life would affirm, just as they would affirm that my bitchiness on the internet is just as real as my bitchiness in real life. Granted I am not offered the perception of the soft-blonde on the internet but I am no less real in real life.

Yes, I will put myself in harms way in a very real physical and emotional way to try to protect the vulnerable. I don’t know why, I did it when I was a kid and there was someone making fun of a burn-victim in my class, I did it when I was a kid and I ran into three boys holding one boy down and beating him up. I am doing it now.

For those that have the eyes to see it, they will. But yeah, as long as I have a breath in my body, you are not going to mock an adoptee for their own experience and I will sit idly by. Even if you are an adoptee.

Oh and you know how I like to link songs because yes, fun music, yay happiness. I have no idea why I want to link this song it reminds me of my first divorce. It reminds me of college where I told annoying boy that I liked this band and he told me that Rolling Stone rated them really bad. I said, “Oh I don’t read Rolling Stone” and smiled and then he got even pissier because he thought I was being all, I am way cooler than you and don’t read Rolling Stone. h8trs gonna h8t. Maybe I can’t believe how people I thought were my friends had such little regard for my well-being and such investment in their righteousness? Who knows? Not me.

Maybe I will disappear now you can always hope! :)

Uncategorized

, , , , , , ,

January 19, 2012

3 Comments