Oh so I have been so busy looking at the clouds moving by really fast, eating, baking, sewing, taking classes, all the things that even non-bastids do. I know crazy, because so many people think I just stay holed-up in a room and obsess about something that didn’t even happen and didn’t even leave an imprint on my soul.

Luckily for me, for some unknown reason one of those people isn’t my mother. Or more importantly either of my mothers. They both know. They are both afraid to touch it but they both care. I know some incredible women who can’t say the same. It boggles my mind. How can you be so incredible and come from such a dysfunctional source? But they do and they are and I love them and think they are heroes. I mean really can’t say enough about them, they are incredible human loving beings who deserve as much love as anyone but have been of course harmed by the radical idea that yes, there isn’t an age where it is okay to abandon your child,there is just not, just because baby can’t say, “don’t leave me, the very idea terrifies me and makes me feel like I am going to die” Hello Primal Wound, I don’t give a shit what you call it, but yes, it is kind of common sense.

Oh and then coming back to this space think about the “Camilles” who have taken to their beds with smelling salts because I have said really mean things about them like, you have no right to speak for us, you are a bitch( ?) I may have thought that or wrote that, or you are a dismissive cunt, Idk, something like that, and from my understanding these precious bitches swooned and fell backwards on the very idea that someone could actually say NO to them, I mean that was all too much too take, right?

I mean worms do turn at times, gotta watch for that, and just because you want to be all dismissive and rude and say things like “angsty girls” just because someone is all, idk, butt-hurt because they lost their whole fucking identity and you think that is just all in good fun, or that they are imagining things or that you have the right to prove their own history wrong while at the same time YOU ATTEMPT TO SET YOURSELF UP AS EXPERT IN A SITUATION YOU DID NOT EXPERIENCE, TO DEGRADE THE VERY PEOPLE WHOSE WELL-BEING YOU PROMISED TO CARE FOR Then because some glow-worm like Winnie Churchill, like me, says no bitches fuck right off you faint.

Oh for God’s sake. Really, am finding myself somewhere between indifference and pity and disgust. I know Mirah tried to point out to me very kindly, and intellectually I do get her points.

Maybe it is regionalism and generation difference. I remember getting into one time with MAC-ATTACK, and her going on about the term “goody-two-shoes” and how it was a school-yard taunt. Not at my school honey. Goody-two-shoes would have actually referred to a very sexy Adam Ant song.

Is this a real video, did the 80s really happen?

Okay, so back to regionalisms, yes, no if you called someone a goody-two-shoes in my world, idk would have happened, the term we used was much more colorful, dick-shiner Yeah that is what we used in like second grade.

But I still can’t help but hold these precious and very fragile women up to wonder. It is okay for you to ridicule abandoned children but you are so very precious that you cannot stand to be criticized, you faint and fall away, you writhe and moan?

Well my dear little piggies, all I can say to you as how fortunate you are that life never handed you any real difficulties. If anyone thinks I haven’t been hated on, they are naive. Yup, have, irl too, since I was about 8, and lived through all of that, and the reason I was hated on had nothing to do with me ridiculing other’s deepest pain that I was charged with caring for or me getting money out of my child’s pain, just so you know, I mean, I know how horrible and frightening for you right?

So faint away bitches, faint away faux friends of adoptees, faint away faux experts.

We are the experts and you would never want to be us, there is no profit that would be worth the price we have paid. But stop humping our fucking legs, stop it. Oh I know I am the biggest bitch, but I am making the way for others by cutting the road.

No, No, No, we are not your worms, not your pets, we are actual people. Soylent Green (Adoptees) are people! Yes, you ask us to be nice, we have been, we were to MAC, to Jess, to Dawn, what did that get us, insulted, dismissed and ridiculed.

Sorry! Don’t have the self-esteem issues that most adoptees have and so fuck-you. Hey, you did it to me first, I gave you the opportunity to be decent, you rejected that. You should be ashamed, I am not. I am not.

Fuck your shaming and fuck you trying to own my experience and fuck you trying to be so precious and in control of *yes* this adoptee narrative. Faint bitches, faint, I am Rick James, lol.

Irl, I have a reputation for being unusually kind and reasonable. Very sweet. But I am the same person irl that I am here. Yup lose my shit in real life too, stick up for my interests in real life too, in the very Taurus, Ferdinand the bull fashion.

I am not being false.

In other news, staring at the sky a lot, sewing oh and wanted to post this video because all I really want to do is lie on my satin sheets and listen to Broken Social Scene and Thievery Corporation and bliss and feeling just like the Meatpuppets did when they made this:

I cannot see the end of me.

And so I listen to the most beautiful words ever:

when i was a kid, you fucked me in the ass
but i took my pen to paper and i passed
you know i love the shit cause the shit it tastes so good,
i got pastures waiting in the woods………
its all gonna break

I know some people will think that is crass and adolescent, but I could give a shit, I have every confidence in my aesthetic.

Choke on that experts, I will always be there for those trying to profit, I will always be there trying to not profit but fight for the voices behind the real issue. Choke on that.

“Why are you always fucking ghosts?”

Beauty:

Uncategorized

, , , , , , , , ,

January 27, 2012

12 Comments